Jokes to keep the Doctor away. (:

1) John wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he emails her but misspells the address and it goes to a recent widow.
The next day, the widow's son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is the email : " My darling wife, I've just gotten here and everything's set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine. P.S. It's really hot !"

2) While wandering around a fairground, a man enters a fortune teller's tent for a laugh. " Ah, I see you are the father of two," says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball.
" Ha, that's what you think," says the man scornfully. "I am the father of three."
"Ha! " says the fortune teller. "That's what you think."

3) A business executive visits his Chinese friend in the hospital. " Li kai yang qi quan," says the sick man feebly. The executive desperately wants to help him, but does not understand Mandarin. "Li kai yang qi guan!" says the the patient,as he draws his last breath. Later that year, the executive went Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of the phrase Li Kai Yang Qi Guan: Get off the oxygen tube !

4)Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service.
“Will the winter be bad?” he asks.
“Looks like it,” is the answer.
So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again. “Are you positive the winter will be very cold?”
The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: “Are you sure?”
“I’m telling you, it’s going to be the coldest winter on record.”
“How do you know?”
“Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!”

5) A starlet is seated next to a lawyer on a long flight. She craves her sleep, but he keeps waking her up. “Let’s play a trivia game,” he suggests. “If I answer wrong, I’ll pay you $50. If you answer wrong, you owe me $5.”
The starlet agrees, and the lawyer goes first. “What’s the distance between the earth and the moon?”
The starlet hands the lawyer $5. Now it’s her turn. “What goes up a mountain on three legs and comes down on four?”
The lawyer is dumbstruck. He scans the internet, flips through his pocket encyclopedia, and texts every scientist he can find. No dice. Hours later, he wakes up the starlet, hands her $50, and asks, “So what’s the answer?”
Without a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.

6) A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie. “You’re a kind lady, so I’ll grant you one wish,” the genie tells her.
“See this cat? I’d rather have a strong, handsome man,” she says.
The genie agrees and – poof! – the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.
“Do you have anything to say before we make love?” she asks.
“Yes,” he says. “I bet you wish you hadn’t had me neutered last week.”

7) Joe, Mike, Mary and Tom were talking about their dream jobs. “I want to be a lawyer,” Joe began, “so that I can defend my countrymen.”
“I want to be a congressman,” said Mike, “so I can draft laws to benefit my countrymen.”
“I want to be a doctor,” said Mary, “so that I can cure my countrymen.”
“How about you, Tom? What would you like to be?” asked Joe.
Tom thought a moment and replied, “I’d like to be a countryman.

8) Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off. – God

9) Papa Turtle is telling his son a bedtime story. “Once upon a time, there was a white bunny.”
“Aw, c’mon, Dad,” says the boy. “That’s kid stuff. What about some science fiction?”
“All right. Once upon a time, there was a bunny in outer space . . .”
“Dad! Make it more grown-up.”
“OK, OK. Promise you won’t tell Mum.”
“I swear.”
“Once upon a time, there was a naked bunny . . .”

Hope you have a great laugh and a great week. (:

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